Confidence Is Built by Reps, Not Pep Talks

Confidence is a result, not a starting point. Albert Bandura’s research on self-efficacy points to mastery experiences, watching others succeed, encouragement and managing stress as the sources, and mastery counts most. So build confidence by doing small, low-risk versions of the hard thing often enough to see that you survive it, and log each one.

I am Mac Malbrough. I hold a J.D. and an MS-HRM, and I coach people through pay conversations and career moves. The scenarios below are hypotheticals I made up to show the method.

Why do pep talks fail?

“Just be confident” is the most common advice in the workplace and the least useful. It treats confidence as a switch that a person can flip by wanting to. If it were, nobody would need the advice. People who hold back in meetings or hesitate to ask for a raise are not missing a pep talk. They are missing evidence that the thing they fear will go all right.

A pep talk can raise your mood for an hour. It does not change your estimate of what will happen when you open your mouth. That estimate changes only when you speak and see the result. This is why people who are encouraged to “speak up more” often become quieter. They try once, it feels worse than expected, they take that as proof and stop.

What does the research say?

In a 1977 paper in Psychological Review, Albert Bandura set out a theory of self-efficacy: a person’s belief in their ability to carry out a particular task. He proposed four sources of that belief. The first, and the strongest in his account, is mastery experience: doing the task successfully. The second is vicarious experience: watching someone similar to you do it. The third is verbal persuasion: being told by someone credible that you can. The fourth is the physiological and emotional state you are in when you try.

That ordering has a practical meaning. If you want to raise confidence, the most reliable route is to arrange success at a scale you can handle, and then increase the scale. Encouragement helps, and seeing a peer succeed helps, but they work best when they sit on top of experience you have actually had.

What is a rep, and how big should it be?

A rep is a small attempt at the hard thing, sized so that the cost of a poor result is low. The rule I use is that a good rep should feel slightly uncomfortable and be easy to recover from. Here are examples at three levels.

• Speaking up: state your view on a minor agenda item in the first two minutes of a meeting, in one sentence
• Asking: ask a manager for feedback on one specific piece of work
• Negotiating: ask a vendor or a landlord for a small adjustment, just to practice the structure of an ask

A hypothetical: Dana, a coordinator at a 30-person company, wants to ask for a raise but freezes when she imagines the conversation. She starts with a one-sentence comment in her Tuesday team meeting. Next week she asks her manager for feedback on a report. In week three she writes out the ask with three results and one market comparison. By week four, the actual conversation is a fourth rep, not a first attempt.

How do you structure the practice?

A two-week block is long enough to see change and short enough to finish. The Speak Up in Meetings: A 14-Day Plan is designed this way, with a 10-minute task for each day, a three-sentence structure for contributing an idea, a bank of 12 phrases and a debrief log. The debrief log matters most, because it records the evidence that builds the next rep.

Here is a simple version you can run on your own:

1. Choose one situation that you avoid, such as speaking in team meetings.
2. Write down the prediction: what do you think will happen? Rate how likely it is, from 1 to 10.
3. Do the small rep.
4. Write down what actually happened.
5. Compare the prediction to the result. Repeat the next day with a slightly bigger rep.

The prediction step is the heart of it. Most of the time the result is better than predicted. Seeing that gap on paper, repeatedly, is what moves the number.

What about stress and the body?

Bandura’s fourth source is the state you are in. Racing heart, a dry mouth and a tight voice are common before a hard conversation, and most people read them as a sign that something is wrong. They are a sign that the situation matters to you. Two practices help. Prepare the first sentence word for word, because the start is the hardest part. And slow your breathing for a minute before you begin. Neither eliminates nerves. Both lower the cost of acting while nervous, and acting while nervous is the skill.

How does this apply to pay and career moves?

Salary conversations are the clearest example because the stakes are high and the practice opportunities are rare. You may negotiate once every few years. That is why you need to create reps in lower-stakes settings first, and why preparation matters. For people of color, who may face extra scrutiny in negotiation, I wrote about the dynamics in salary negotiation for Black candidates and in negotiating salary while supporting a family.

For the conversation itself, the salary negotiation script pack offers scripts you can rehearse out loud, which counts as a rep. Rehearsing with a friend or recording yourself is a legitimate mastery experience. For help turning your results into a case, see skills that compound, and the Skills Proof Portfolio that builds your evidence file.

What if a rep goes badly?

It will sometimes, and that is useful information. Write down what happened, what you would change and what you learned about the situation. A rep that goes badly at a small scale costs little and teaches a lot, and it is better than a first attempt that goes badly at a large scale. Then do the next rep one step smaller, and build back up. The aim is not a perfect record. It is a body of experience large enough that a single bad day does not rewrite your view of yourself.

What should you do this week?

Pick the one situation you avoid and design the smallest rep you can do on Monday. Write your prediction, do it, and write the result. Do the same on Tuesday with a slightly larger rep. By Friday you will have five data points, which is more evidence than any pep talk gives you.

Start with the 14-day speaking plan if the situation is meetings. If it is pay, use the salary negotiation script pack and rehearse the first sentence aloud.

Related reading: how to negotiate a raise.

Sources

• Bandura, A. (1977). “Self-efficacy: Toward a unifying theory of behavioral change.” Psychological Review. doi 10.1037/0033-295x.84.2.191
• How to negotiate a raise

McKinley holds a J.D. but is not a licensed attorney. Articles here are general information, not legal advice. For your specific situation, talk with an employment attorney.